i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
