If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
