Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if only i could text you this smell
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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