I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
