I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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