I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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