I think im going to throw up on grandma
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
