ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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