I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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