I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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