We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
