dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
