Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Couch. On fire.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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