my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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