I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
