Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
