and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
