I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
