you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
