Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
