i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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