i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up under a house in Key West
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
