why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
