So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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