it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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