I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
