I wish I could teleport
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
