The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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