Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
