I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
