I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
