dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
