so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
