Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
