A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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