Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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