Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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