Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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