my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
