If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
