getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sext me about skeletons
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
