My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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