Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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