haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
