Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
