It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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