I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
