I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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