Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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