A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
