I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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