You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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