I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
