she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
