The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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