Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
