Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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