dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
