he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
