Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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