The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
