why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
