Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
