You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
