What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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